Taxi Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer is charged with delivering a former TV star to rehab. The plan obviously goes awry when they stop at a bar first.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has driven off in a taxi. More madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Taxi Archer **

"Great news everyone," Cyril walked into the bullpen. "Shapiro called and said he got us another client."

"Isn't he the one that got us that crazy actress bitch with the toilet art?" Cheryl asked in a bored tone as she played with a switchblade.

"You mean the woman whose career we ruined?" Lana gave her a look. "And got her arrested?"

"We weren't technically responsible for that fire!" Archer spoke up. "Who puts fireworks in urinals?"

"I thought we agreed to never, ever talk about that horrible night again?" Ray groaned.

"We did," Lana said. "So Cyril…What is this next assignment? And who's the client?"

"I'll tell you as soon as you people stop interrupting me!" Cyril snapped.

He turned on the monitor. It showed an image of a man with blonde hair who appeared to be in his late forties to early fifties. "This is Shane Leroux. You might recognize him as a former teen heartthrob and actor."

"I recognize him," Pam spoke up. "He was on that TV show! _Emery at the End_. And he was on that show _Teenage Love American Style."_

"And he was in a few movies too," Krieger added. " _Teen Frankenstein_. _Teen Frankenstein Two. Teen Frankenstein Three: Spring Break."_

"Trust you to know **those** movies," Mallory rolled his eyes. "But he does look familiar to me as well. Wasn't he on that soap opera, _County Court_?"

"He was," Cyril nodded. "Until he had that major meltdown."

"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "I remember his flame wars with his co-star and former girlfriend Tiffany Tykes."

"Did they have Twitter back then?" Pam asked.

"No," Cheryl told her. "He and Tiffany had actual flame wars. With real flamethrowers and stuff."

"Apparently he and Tiffany burned down a hotel room, two restaurants and the set of County Court," Cyril sighed. "And one of their co-stars. Which as you can imagine got both of them axed from the show."

"And then Shane took a literal axe to the producer's car," Cheryl added.

"Basically Leroux hasn't exactly had a lot of work these past ten years," Cyril sighed. "He's mostly living off his residuals and the occasional club party. Now he's mostly famous for being infamous."

"I remember this guy," Archer spoke up. "Didn't he show up at the Emmys about three years ago drunk out of his mind wearing only a cardboard box saying You Are All Whores?"

"And promptly threw up on the red carpet," Cyril nodded. "Yes."

"So our client is another broke ass, has been failure?" Mallory asked bitterly.

"Gee I wonder why Shapiro thought of **us** for this job?" Ray rolled his eyes.

"So what do we have to do?" Lana spoke up. "Is he going through a divorce and do we need to get the goods on his wife?"

"No, he's been divorced twice," Cyril said. "Basically he is scheduled to enter rehab tomorrow for alcohol addiction."

"Quitter," Mallory sniffed.

"Our job is to make sure he gets there," Cyril said.

"So we're now a **taxi service?"** Archer barked.

"Leroux is paying five grand for us to take him on a fifty five minute drive and check him in!" Cyril snapped. "And yes I'm aware it's not much but at this point we need to take what we can get. We can't afford to be picky."

"I have been aware of that fact for some time Cyril…" Mallory sighed as she gave an evil eye to Cheryl, Ray and Pam. "Fine, Lana. Gillette you two do it."

"Why them?" Archer barked.

"Because you and I are obviously out," Mallory gave him a look.

"Either of you taking a man to rehab is like asking a fox to take a chicken to Colonel Sanders," Ray remarked.

"Hey for the right amount of money and hours I need I'll take the guy to get his balls clipped," Archer pointed out.

"Sterling it's Lana and/or Miss Gillette over here," Mallory pointed. "End of discussion."

"Actually I can't do it," Lana spoke up. "There's a Mommy and Me class final and I have to go. And honestly I'm not so sure it would be a good idea to bring Archer."

"I don't like the woman who runs that stupid class," Archer said.

"And the feeling is mutual," Lana sighed. "So I can't go."

"But I can!" Archer said.

"No!" Cyril and Mallory said at the same time.

"Ray can do it then," Cyril said.

"Uh I can't either. I have a scheduled maintenance check with Krieger," Ray admitted. "Don't ask."

"I won't," Mallory sighed. "All right Pam…"

"Yeah sorry," Pam shrugged. "I have to bail too. I have this thing with the Glue-More Girl over here."

"I have to go to the arts and crafts store and Pam's my ride," Cheryl said.

"And I have to make sure she doesn't have a glue overdose in the sticker aisle," Pam added. "Again…"

"Okay fine," Mallory sighed. "Well since Krieger is out that leaves you Cyril."

"And I'd love to do it but…" Cyril sighed. "I have a meeting tonight with the Detectives Guild of LA. It's basically a network thing but apparently I have to sign our agency up so we can get an official rating."

"That's a thing?" Lana asked.

"Yes, Lana that's a thing!" Cyril barked. "And since everyone else is doing their own thing that leaves Archer…God help us all."

"Yes!" Archer grinned.

"One question," Ray spoke up. "How are you going to get Leroux there? Your dumb ass car is still broken."

"It's not..." Archer began then stopped. "Oh yeah, that might be a problem."

"No, it won't," Mallory said. "I happen to have Ron's car here. Had to pick it up from the garage for some reason. I'll just tell him it's in the garage another day. But I expect half the money!"

"Fine!" Archer rolled his eyes. "As long as I get the hours. Seriously I thought I would have gotten certified by now…"

"Wait how are you going to get home?" Cyril asked Mallory.

"I can take you," Pam said. "It's on the way to Cheryl's thing."

"Great…" Mallory sighed. She fished out the keys from her purse. "Here are the keys Sterling. Don't scratch the paint!"

"God one time and you never let it go," Archer rolled his eyes as he took them. "I was only just learning to drive and could barely see above the steering wheel. It's not like I was the one who put bullet holes in your car."

"Bullet holes?" Lana did a double take.

"There was an incident with some Cuban assassins when Sterling was twelve and on Spring Break," Mallory shrugged.

"Again the more I hear about your childhood…" Lana said to Archer.

"Explains a lot doesn't it?" Archer asked.

"Just don't screw this up Sterling," Mallory gave him a look.

"I'm just going to give this guy a ride!" Archer barked. "How could I possibly screw this up?"

Later that evening…

"Maybe it's for the best I'm doing this," Shane Leroux looked very tired as he sat in the passenger seat. "It's long overdue. I have to change my life man. If I keep going on and on doing the same stupid crap I've been doing forever it's going to kill me. I mean you can only punish your body for so long and take so many stupid risks before something gives and then wham. It's over man. It's over. Yeah. Yeah it's time for a change. Time to go to rehab."

"You want to stop for one last drink before we get there?" Archer suggested as he drove.

"Yeah okay…" Shane shrugged.

One hour and two minutes later…

"I LOVE THIS GUY!" Shane whooped as he drank at the bar with Archer. "WHOOO!"

"Craig! Another round!" Archer whooped to the bartender as he took a drink.

"I really should go to rehab," Shane remarked. "Oh what the hell? It'll still be there in the morning!"

"That's right!" Archer nodded. "On last wild party! I mean how bad could one last time at a bar get?"

And then a montage of events happened.

Archer and Shane drinking some more. Even having a chugging contest.

Archer and Shane riding down a hill in shopping carts.

Archer and Shane mooning a tour bus.

Archer and Shane at another bar getting into a fight with some patrons.

Archer and Shane running away from the bar as it exploded in a ball of fire.

Archer and Shane drinking in the Hollywood Hills on top of Ron's car, looking out at the city.

Then things got fuzzy. Then completely blacked out…

Several hours later…

"Uhhhhgggghhh…." Archer groaned as he sat up, hung over and groggy. His clothes were dirty and torn. He realized he was in some grass in the Hollywood Hills. He looked around and could see the city and several empty bottles but not the car.

"Shane?" Archer groaned. "Shane? Shane! Come back Shane! Come back!"

No answer. "Ugh. I hate it when my days start out like this…" Archer stood up and dug out his cell phone. "Good thing Mother gave me back my cell phone. Woodhouse? Woodhouse! Pick up the phone you…Oh. Right. Forgot. Damn."

He looked around again. "Mother will not be happy. Then again, when is she ever?"

 _Mulatto butts! Mulatto butts! Black on white butts! Black on white butts!_

"Lana…" Archer recognized his ringtone. "Another person who is never happy."

Archer answered the phone. "Yeah. Uh, yeah about that…Did I send Leroux to rehab? Gosh did I? Uh…Funny story…"

Several hours later…

"You are just lucky that your cell phone had a GPS so we could track your sorry ass!" Lana lectured back at the office. Everyone was in the bullpen gleefully watching Archer being dragged over the coals.

"And you're even luckier that Pam was willing to go out and drag it back here!" Mallory added.

"Hooray…" Archer grumbled as he took a drink of scotch.

"So where the hell is Ron's car?" Mallory shouted.

"I'm assuming Leroux has it," Archer said.

"And where is **he**?" Mallory snapped.

"I'm guessing he didn't go to rehab," Archer winced.

"Give the man a kewpie doll!" Mallory said sarcastically. "You are a colossal idiot!"

"The one time I ask you to do something…" Cyril snarled.

 _"One time?"_ Archer barked. "You ask me to do stuff all the time!"

"Which you almost never do!" Cyril shouted.

"Well then you really should know by now not to ask me to do anything," Archer shrugged. "Because obviously I can't be trusted."

"YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted as she slapped the drink out of his hands.

"Mother!" Archer protested. "Now we're going to get ants!"

"Ants are the least of your worries right now," Mallory growled. "If we don't find Ron's car and Leroux you are going to be in big trouble! He could be anywhere right now! We have to find him!"

"Uh…" Pam pointed to the television. "I think I have a clue…"

She turned up the volume. "We now continue with our live coverage of the Shane Leroux car chase already in progress…" An announcer's voice was heard.

"Oh this will not end well," Archer winced.

"They never do," Ray shrugged.

"Whoa! He just sideswiped another car!" Cheryl giggled. "Look at that huge dent he put in Ron's car!"

"Maybe the warranty will cover that?" Archer suggested weakly to his mother.

SMASH! CRASH!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH!

"I don't think Ron's warranty is going to cover **that,** " Ray winced.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRUNKKKKKKKK!

"Or that," Ray winced at the carnage on screen.

"You stopped by a bar didn't you?" Lana sighed.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

SMASH! CRASH! BASH! SCREEEEEEEEECH!

"Maybe?" Archer gulped.

"You know that tour bus you and Leroux mooned had a lot of people with cameras on it right?" Pam asked.

"Oh dear God!" Cyril groaned.

"How did you know about that?" Archer barked.

"It's all over the news and the Internet!" Pam said. "About Leroux and some unknown man mooning a tour bus!"

"Wait if they said unknown how do you know…?" Archer began.

"I'd recognize that skinny ass of yours anywhere!" Pam snorted.

"We've certainly seen enough of it over the years," Krieger nodded.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH!

"And there goes another one of Ron's doors," Ray added.

"Oh you just know Ron is going to bitch about this!" Mallory groaned.

"Just where is he driving now?" Lana asked. "Is he going onto that bridge under construction? He knows that's closed right?"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH!

"He does now," Krieger remarked.

"Wow look at that car fly right off what's left of the bridge!" Cheryl squealed.

SMASH!

"Oh that is going to hurt like a bitch," Krieger winced. "If he survived that."

"Hey! Odds are he probably…" Archer began.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Did…" Archer gulped as the car burst into flames.

SMASH! SHATTER!

"Ooohhh…" Archer winced as a piece of the bridge broke off and fell right on top of the burning car.

"Okay yeah he's definitely dead by now," Krieger shrugged.

"And so am I when Ron finds out what happened to his car!" Mallory yelled.

"I'm not getting paid for this aren't I?" Archer asked.

"No," Cyril glared at him.

"How about any hours for my PI license?" Archer asked.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Cyril shouted.

"So that's a maybe?" Archer asked hopefully. Everyone in the room glared at him. "What?"


End file.
